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foudebassanAuthor: guess!
Pairing: HG/SS
Rating: PG-13 for innuendo (no action)
Warnings: unbeta’ed, HBP spoilers; bad jokes, heavy Mary-Sueism; references to better, Ashwinder stories, intended as a tribute of course, not as a mockery; extreme silliness.
1010 words.
Summary: response to a WIKKT challenge by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
shiv5468 (to write a story with that first line and no sex)
Severus had the biggest cock Hermione had ever seen, but she had no idea why he was keeping a pet chicken in his private quarters. As a matter of fact, she had not even known he owned a pet until her disastrous foray in the dungeons that fateful night. After all, his being such a prick didn’t seem conducive to his taking loving care of an animal.
But let us not lose trail of our cock tale, ie, the story of how Hermione Granger, Head Girl, came to inspect a Professor’s rooms one night.
She had decided that Hogwart’s Potions Master was too wound up by the war and his double agent activities to behave normally. No, the snarky remarks, cutting repartee, bad grades to her perfect essays and general bad temper obviously came from his being high-strung by his numerous, dangerous and perilous duties. Only one solution remained possible: shagging him senseless might reduce him to a pile of quivering jelly, or, barring that, would ease part of his sorrows and induce him to give better grades to excellent papers.
These goals firmly in mind, Hermione had prepared for The Great Seduction.
That she was still underage was of course a problem – normal fiction readers might enjoy chan, but they often pretend not to, and accuse the author of paedophilic tendencies. Said author of course denies all charges, and argues that her own pet kinks are limited to graphic sex, shiv humour (c), European directives, bondage (no, that’s not the same thing), SM, slash (1) and things you might rather not know about, like the acquis communautaire, but most certainly do not include child brides – please lay the blame on JK Rowling, who had the bad taste to make Hermione a lot younger than Sevvy, overlooking the fact they are most evidently destined to each other. (2)
But little details a full-blown story doth not make. Hermione thus decided to overlook her own age, along with Snape’s, and carry on with The Great Seduction.
And this is how she descended into the dungeons, carefully groomed, manicured, glamoured, and armed with various lust potions lest all the rest failed, an unlikely possibility, seeing as to how carefully she intended to give head to the problem – something not insignificant for a Head Girl, after all.
Her first surprise was to find the dungeons empty.
Her second surprise was to find the dungeons not as empty as they first seemed to be, and this, believe me, was a dramatic discovery.
By “empty”, the humble author is trying to convey the impression that the dungeon was void of inhabitants. As in “vacant”. Snape was not there; of Snape, there was none.
Hermione was a bright girl and soon realised that said emptiness had a cause: Snape had left Hogwarts at the end of the last school year after having killed Dumbledore! This little tidbit of information had somehow escaped her mind in the whirlwind of activities comprised in the summer – single-handedly finding and destroying the missing Horcruxes, getting that makeover, homework, prompting Ron to do his, summer camp, helping Harry become the greatest hero of the wizarding world, and a bit of light reading on Sycophant Hex – well, a girl could only be asked to remember so much.
As she already was in the dungeons, she decided to use her time there for the best and look for the nice toys Snape was bound to have. Or used to be bound with, maybe. She was perusing his collection of rubber ducks when she discovered the dungeon was not a empty as it seemed: the biggest cock she had ever seen emerged from nowhere, his red comb growing bigger before the unexpected female presence. Not that she had seen that many swelling cocks; her parents lived in a city, not a farm, and she was, of course, a good girl.
Why Snape kept a pet rooster was of course a mystery. How the chicken had survived alone in the dungeons all summer long was something she’d rather not think about – it’s British cows that are usually fed musty old bones, not poultry.
One thing was sure, though: if Snape kept a rooster, he couldn’t be a vampire. Ergo, Snape was not a Dark Creature, despite all appearances to the contrary. She would therefore present the chicken as firm evidence that Severus was not on the Dark Lord’s side before prompting Harry to finally do his duty. Then, with Riddle pushing up daisies and Snape’s name cleared, nothing would stop her from finally seducing him. Snape, not Riddle, she wasn’t keen on having herds of rabid fangirls after her skin for alleged necrophilia, after all. No, she would just shag the ex-Potions Master in order to reveal the inner, cuddly sex god he really was within his dark protective frock coat.
And should he be no sex god after all, she would train him into becoming one. The cuddly part was of course more difficult, but well, she never was one to shy off a challenge, was she?
On the other hand, she could always benefit from the fact that Snape no longer was a Professor in Hogwarts, and therefore could not give bad grades any more, which made the entire shag-him-to-mellow-him scheme unwarranted. The cock could be fed to her own pussy, the hungry little one who would finish it off in a few thrusts and swallows and she would be able to forget the entire Seducing Scheme fiasco with no further ado.
And should the experience not prove satisfactory, she would find someone closer to her own age and still live the torrid love affair she deserved while studying for her NEWTs. Perhaps Ginny…?
(1) Oh, and btw, if you have any recs…
(2) Some readers, though a minority, insist on pairing Hermione with Lucius and Snape with Harry. There is of course no accounting for taste, but I do remind you that some persist in thinking Hermione is made for Ron, and Harry for Ginny, so you see, perversion has no limits.
I’m sorry for the bad taste, the innuendo (I’m not sure it always sounds right), the grammar mistakes, etc. I swear I’m able to write better stuff than that, but said better stuff is called “master’s thesis” and is therefore so boring I’d rather do this instead.
Concrit is more than appreciated.
Pairing: HG/SS
Rating: PG-13 for innuendo (no action)
Warnings: unbeta’ed, HBP spoilers; bad jokes, heavy Mary-Sueism; references to better, Ashwinder stories, intended as a tribute of course, not as a mockery; extreme silliness.
1010 words.
Summary: response to a WIKKT challenge by
shiv5468 (to write a story with that first line and no sex)Severus had the biggest cock Hermione had ever seen, but she had no idea why he was keeping a pet chicken in his private quarters. As a matter of fact, she had not even known he owned a pet until her disastrous foray in the dungeons that fateful night. After all, his being such a prick didn’t seem conducive to his taking loving care of an animal.
But let us not lose trail of our cock tale, ie, the story of how Hermione Granger, Head Girl, came to inspect a Professor’s rooms one night.
She had decided that Hogwart’s Potions Master was too wound up by the war and his double agent activities to behave normally. No, the snarky remarks, cutting repartee, bad grades to her perfect essays and general bad temper obviously came from his being high-strung by his numerous, dangerous and perilous duties. Only one solution remained possible: shagging him senseless might reduce him to a pile of quivering jelly, or, barring that, would ease part of his sorrows and induce him to give better grades to excellent papers.
These goals firmly in mind, Hermione had prepared for The Great Seduction.
That she was still underage was of course a problem – normal fiction readers might enjoy chan, but they often pretend not to, and accuse the author of paedophilic tendencies. Said author of course denies all charges, and argues that her own pet kinks are limited to graphic sex, shiv humour (c), European directives, bondage (no, that’s not the same thing), SM, slash (1) and things you might rather not know about, like the acquis communautaire, but most certainly do not include child brides – please lay the blame on JK Rowling, who had the bad taste to make Hermione a lot younger than Sevvy, overlooking the fact they are most evidently destined to each other. (2)
But little details a full-blown story doth not make. Hermione thus decided to overlook her own age, along with Snape’s, and carry on with The Great Seduction.
And this is how she descended into the dungeons, carefully groomed, manicured, glamoured, and armed with various lust potions lest all the rest failed, an unlikely possibility, seeing as to how carefully she intended to give head to the problem – something not insignificant for a Head Girl, after all.
Her first surprise was to find the dungeons empty.
Her second surprise was to find the dungeons not as empty as they first seemed to be, and this, believe me, was a dramatic discovery.
By “empty”, the humble author is trying to convey the impression that the dungeon was void of inhabitants. As in “vacant”. Snape was not there; of Snape, there was none.
Hermione was a bright girl and soon realised that said emptiness had a cause: Snape had left Hogwarts at the end of the last school year after having killed Dumbledore! This little tidbit of information had somehow escaped her mind in the whirlwind of activities comprised in the summer – single-handedly finding and destroying the missing Horcruxes, getting that makeover, homework, prompting Ron to do his, summer camp, helping Harry become the greatest hero of the wizarding world, and a bit of light reading on Sycophant Hex – well, a girl could only be asked to remember so much.
As she already was in the dungeons, she decided to use her time there for the best and look for the nice toys Snape was bound to have. Or used to be bound with, maybe. She was perusing his collection of rubber ducks when she discovered the dungeon was not a empty as it seemed: the biggest cock she had ever seen emerged from nowhere, his red comb growing bigger before the unexpected female presence. Not that she had seen that many swelling cocks; her parents lived in a city, not a farm, and she was, of course, a good girl.
Why Snape kept a pet rooster was of course a mystery. How the chicken had survived alone in the dungeons all summer long was something she’d rather not think about – it’s British cows that are usually fed musty old bones, not poultry.
One thing was sure, though: if Snape kept a rooster, he couldn’t be a vampire. Ergo, Snape was not a Dark Creature, despite all appearances to the contrary. She would therefore present the chicken as firm evidence that Severus was not on the Dark Lord’s side before prompting Harry to finally do his duty. Then, with Riddle pushing up daisies and Snape’s name cleared, nothing would stop her from finally seducing him. Snape, not Riddle, she wasn’t keen on having herds of rabid fangirls after her skin for alleged necrophilia, after all. No, she would just shag the ex-Potions Master in order to reveal the inner, cuddly sex god he really was within his dark protective frock coat.
And should he be no sex god after all, she would train him into becoming one. The cuddly part was of course more difficult, but well, she never was one to shy off a challenge, was she?
On the other hand, she could always benefit from the fact that Snape no longer was a Professor in Hogwarts, and therefore could not give bad grades any more, which made the entire shag-him-to-mellow-him scheme unwarranted. The cock could be fed to her own pussy, the hungry little one who would finish it off in a few thrusts and swallows and she would be able to forget the entire Seducing Scheme fiasco with no further ado.
And should the experience not prove satisfactory, she would find someone closer to her own age and still live the torrid love affair she deserved while studying for her NEWTs. Perhaps Ginny…?
(1) Oh, and btw, if you have any recs…
(2) Some readers, though a minority, insist on pairing Hermione with Lucius and Snape with Harry. There is of course no accounting for taste, but I do remind you that some persist in thinking Hermione is made for Ron, and Harry for Ginny, so you see, perversion has no limits.
I’m sorry for the bad taste, the innuendo (I’m not sure it always sounds right), the grammar mistakes, etc. I swear I’m able to write better stuff than that, but said better stuff is called “master’s thesis” and is therefore so boring I’d rather do this instead.
Concrit is more than appreciated.
