Dissolutionaria, 2/5
Mar. 19th, 2006 01:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
foudebassanRating: PG-13
Warning: silly, unbeta'ed, full of innuendo.
Part One may be found here: A Secret Gathering
Part two – The Great Bargain
“Abstinence!”
This, faithful reader, is not an excerpt of a speech by George W. Bush extolling the virtues of not shagging as a way of life, to save the rainforest, rubber trees, the free world, and the armament industry.
No, it is Hermione proposing to a very attentive audience how to stop the ongoing war between Death Eaters and Order wizards.
This one word, however, is enough to propel a bunch of spellbound witches into utter disorganisation, just as it can, in context, prompt a bunch of raving WIKTTers in a new fit of agitation.
“Abstinence?”
“Did she say abstinence?”
“Abstinence?”
“You don’t mean abstinence?
“Abstinence, what for?”
Hermione waited for the comments to abate before going on. One had to be careful of one’s effects, after all. And reading the reactions of various WIKTTers to such a statement is so entertaining you would hardly miss it when you have the opportunity to stand close by and watch.
“Please think of it, sisters. Our husbands go to war only because they know we will be waiting for them at home, made all the friskier by their long absence, eager for their presence. If they know for a fact that going at war, casting hexes all over the place, risking life and limb on every occasion, will only cause them to sleep on the couch when they do come back to us – well, I for one hold little doubt that they will come to reason within days, hours perhaps. No, if that is the only prospect they have if they do fight, they would make peace right away and stay where they belong, that is, at home, in the marriage bed.”
Molly knew such a grand plan must have a snag, somewhere.
“But wait a minute – abstinence does mean we are not getting any either, and for an unforeseeable amount of time, as we don’t know when they will indeed stop fighting?”
Hermione, along with a considerable part of the fandom, had a very hard time understanding what Molly and Arthur could find in each other – they were after all both redheads, and redheads are hardly attractive, are they? But they did seem never to get tired of their mutual company, and their considerable offspring was there to attest it to those fortunate enough never to have actually lived in the same house as them and therefore never to have been subjected to the noise those two produced at awkward times of the day and night.
A tactful answer was therefore called for.
“No – if we refuse sex to our husbands, it means we will not be having intercourse either. But do keep in mind that this sacrifice would be limited in time. As soon as the war ends, we’ll be free again to consort with whomever we want, and the direct post-war periods are always known for producing lots of new babies, which means people shag a lot more then.”
“But how can we refuse?” Lavender asked, puzzled. “When Seamus comes home, he, er, well, notices me, and I, er, notice the consequences it has on him, and that leads, to, er, my taking advantage of those consequences, and, well, how can I stop myself?”
Lavender always had trouble voicing her thoughts, but this time you really must agree with her, as I do myself – she did have a point. Hermione, though, had another opinion on the matter, and she never shied out of expressing her opinion, especially when trying to convince a large crowd was involved in the process.
“Resist. It is as simple as that. Charm him, tease him, subjugate him – and when you see he can’t wait for it any longer, refuse him.”
Studying the atmosphere in large groups of people assembled in a confined area often proves extremely interesting. Gauging the enthusiasm, the passions, the growing indifference, observing how a feeling is born and amplified in tidal waves over the gathering could be enough material for a full-blown postgraduate thesis – yes, I do assure you there have been stupider subjects in the past, and most certainly shall be in the future. There was no need for PhD students in the present case, though. Waves of hope had been tangible at the beginning of the meeting; they had then turned to shock, to disbelief, and to a small amount of curiosity; at the last sentence, however, they had become pure, unadulterated discontent. I should also report some wayward strands of frustration and of indignation if my narrative is to comprehend the entire truth.
“The charm you can put on your wand to make it vibrate is easy to learn” Hermione added hastily, in an attempt to overturn the atmosphere in her favour. “I could teach it to you within a few minutes – you can even get it to rotate and to get on different speeds.”
A long silence followed.
And then, one lone, anonymous witch – ask JKR to specify who, we don’t have that many canon characters to play with – rose her tentative voice.
“Is it possible to charm it beforehand, so that it changes its speed while you’re using it?”
The first reaction from the audience usually determines the result of the entire negotiation process; this time was not to be an exception. Hermione taught them all how to execute the vibrating spell; and they all agreed to her plan.
Great battles are not always fought out of pure unadulterated selflessness, on the contrary. But let us state for the record that never before in wizarding history had so many witches given up so much sex for so great a cause. Let it be known to us, to our children, and to our children’s children that, when given a clear choice between the saving their country, and indeed the entire wizard folk, and enjoying some juicy, consistent, dripping erections, the witches of Scotland chose the former. It was not without regret, no – a sacrifice is not that great when its real value is underestimated – but the choice was nonetheless taken, the engagement made, and the oath sworn. They hesitated, they argued, they digressed; they demanded a demonstration of the vibrating charm, and some practise; but they nonetheless repeated after Hermione the following oath:
“We, witches of Britain, hereby pledge allegiance to entire abstinence from sexual congress with our husbands, and all what it represents. We swear to wear the skimpiest negligees, the raciest lingerie, to make our spouses lust after us. We swear never to lie back, legs apart, with a Significant Other between them; we swear never to mount our partner in Holy Matrimony again; we swear never to play doggies in the nuptial bed; indeed we swear never to adopt any position that may spurt from a frustrated fangirl’s imagination. We shall not take any advantage of our husbands attributes until their wooden wands are lain to rest. If we break our vow, may all the vine we bring to our lips instantly turn to water; may our wands never vibrate again; and may our husband turn soft at our very sight.”
You must have recognised the exact terms of an Unbreakable oath. Anyone breaking this promise would suffer a long, painful death, even more dire than being condemned to water and sexual frustration, if such a thing is indeed possible.
Truth be told, none of the witches pronounced it with any gaiety. Even Hermione, who had promoted the idea from the very beginning, felt her voice falter at several points of the recitation – Snape is not a man to be renounced to easily, as most of this f-list very well knows. How many Snapey icons do you totalise, I wonder? Oh, but I digress. Where was I again? Yes, I know, I’m not a good storyteller, do feel free to back button if the lack of coherence bothers you. You’re going to miss some hot sexx0rs, but then that’s your choice. Yes, yes, I know, this doesn’t sound very convincing right after a pledge for abstinence, but I do know where this story is leading – believe me or not, I’m the one who’s telling it.
So, where was I? Ah, yes, the oath. The Unbreakable Oath.
The two representatives of the Death Eater wives furthermore pledged to spread the word and the Unbreakables in the other camp.
“I do have one request, though” said Narcissa. “You have a stronghold, Hogwarts; we do not. All our men will be equally affected by this forced abstinence, yet if they have someplace to barricade themselves in, you will find yourselves at great advantage compared to us. Can’t you close Hogwarts and prevent your husbands from hiding there? Then we would be equals again.”
“This has already been done!” Hermione answered, happy to be able to deliver a positive message for once. “McGonagall is in the secret; she has just barricaded Hogwarts against all male intruders, and we shall join her in a jiffy. Go back in peace to the other Death Eater wives, and instruct them of the plan. I bid you farewell, sisters – as of today, abstinence becomes the rallying word in the entire wizarding world, and this, until the end of the war!”
After such words, any further speech would be anti-climatic. Let us therefore part here, beloved readers. We shall meet again ere the set of sun, down by the hearth, there to meet with Hermioneth and her co-conspirators. The battle will not be lost, nor won, but further developments are indeed expected. We thank you for reading this, and hope to see you again!
The next part is now available here: Wherein Male Characters Make An Appearance
Warning: silly, unbeta'ed, full of innuendo.
Part One may be found here: A Secret Gathering
“Abstinence!”
This, faithful reader, is not an excerpt of a speech by George W. Bush extolling the virtues of not shagging as a way of life, to save the rainforest, rubber trees, the free world, and the armament industry.
No, it is Hermione proposing to a very attentive audience how to stop the ongoing war between Death Eaters and Order wizards.
This one word, however, is enough to propel a bunch of spellbound witches into utter disorganisation, just as it can, in context, prompt a bunch of raving WIKTTers in a new fit of agitation.
“Abstinence?”
“Did she say abstinence?”
“Abstinence?”
“You don’t mean abstinence?
“Abstinence, what for?”
Hermione waited for the comments to abate before going on. One had to be careful of one’s effects, after all. And reading the reactions of various WIKTTers to such a statement is so entertaining you would hardly miss it when you have the opportunity to stand close by and watch.
“Please think of it, sisters. Our husbands go to war only because they know we will be waiting for them at home, made all the friskier by their long absence, eager for their presence. If they know for a fact that going at war, casting hexes all over the place, risking life and limb on every occasion, will only cause them to sleep on the couch when they do come back to us – well, I for one hold little doubt that they will come to reason within days, hours perhaps. No, if that is the only prospect they have if they do fight, they would make peace right away and stay where they belong, that is, at home, in the marriage bed.”
Molly knew such a grand plan must have a snag, somewhere.
“But wait a minute – abstinence does mean we are not getting any either, and for an unforeseeable amount of time, as we don’t know when they will indeed stop fighting?”
Hermione, along with a considerable part of the fandom, had a very hard time understanding what Molly and Arthur could find in each other – they were after all both redheads, and redheads are hardly attractive, are they? But they did seem never to get tired of their mutual company, and their considerable offspring was there to attest it to those fortunate enough never to have actually lived in the same house as them and therefore never to have been subjected to the noise those two produced at awkward times of the day and night.
A tactful answer was therefore called for.
“No – if we refuse sex to our husbands, it means we will not be having intercourse either. But do keep in mind that this sacrifice would be limited in time. As soon as the war ends, we’ll be free again to consort with whomever we want, and the direct post-war periods are always known for producing lots of new babies, which means people shag a lot more then.”
“But how can we refuse?” Lavender asked, puzzled. “When Seamus comes home, he, er, well, notices me, and I, er, notice the consequences it has on him, and that leads, to, er, my taking advantage of those consequences, and, well, how can I stop myself?”
Lavender always had trouble voicing her thoughts, but this time you really must agree with her, as I do myself – she did have a point. Hermione, though, had another opinion on the matter, and she never shied out of expressing her opinion, especially when trying to convince a large crowd was involved in the process.
“Resist. It is as simple as that. Charm him, tease him, subjugate him – and when you see he can’t wait for it any longer, refuse him.”
Studying the atmosphere in large groups of people assembled in a confined area often proves extremely interesting. Gauging the enthusiasm, the passions, the growing indifference, observing how a feeling is born and amplified in tidal waves over the gathering could be enough material for a full-blown postgraduate thesis – yes, I do assure you there have been stupider subjects in the past, and most certainly shall be in the future. There was no need for PhD students in the present case, though. Waves of hope had been tangible at the beginning of the meeting; they had then turned to shock, to disbelief, and to a small amount of curiosity; at the last sentence, however, they had become pure, unadulterated discontent. I should also report some wayward strands of frustration and of indignation if my narrative is to comprehend the entire truth.
“The charm you can put on your wand to make it vibrate is easy to learn” Hermione added hastily, in an attempt to overturn the atmosphere in her favour. “I could teach it to you within a few minutes – you can even get it to rotate and to get on different speeds.”
A long silence followed.
And then, one lone, anonymous witch – ask JKR to specify who, we don’t have that many canon characters to play with – rose her tentative voice.
“Is it possible to charm it beforehand, so that it changes its speed while you’re using it?”
The first reaction from the audience usually determines the result of the entire negotiation process; this time was not to be an exception. Hermione taught them all how to execute the vibrating spell; and they all agreed to her plan.
Great battles are not always fought out of pure unadulterated selflessness, on the contrary. But let us state for the record that never before in wizarding history had so many witches given up so much sex for so great a cause. Let it be known to us, to our children, and to our children’s children that, when given a clear choice between the saving their country, and indeed the entire wizard folk, and enjoying some juicy, consistent, dripping erections, the witches of Scotland chose the former. It was not without regret, no – a sacrifice is not that great when its real value is underestimated – but the choice was nonetheless taken, the engagement made, and the oath sworn. They hesitated, they argued, they digressed; they demanded a demonstration of the vibrating charm, and some practise; but they nonetheless repeated after Hermione the following oath:
“We, witches of Britain, hereby pledge allegiance to entire abstinence from sexual congress with our husbands, and all what it represents. We swear to wear the skimpiest negligees, the raciest lingerie, to make our spouses lust after us. We swear never to lie back, legs apart, with a Significant Other between them; we swear never to mount our partner in Holy Matrimony again; we swear never to play doggies in the nuptial bed; indeed we swear never to adopt any position that may spurt from a frustrated fangirl’s imagination. We shall not take any advantage of our husbands attributes until their wooden wands are lain to rest. If we break our vow, may all the vine we bring to our lips instantly turn to water; may our wands never vibrate again; and may our husband turn soft at our very sight.”
You must have recognised the exact terms of an Unbreakable oath. Anyone breaking this promise would suffer a long, painful death, even more dire than being condemned to water and sexual frustration, if such a thing is indeed possible.
Truth be told, none of the witches pronounced it with any gaiety. Even Hermione, who had promoted the idea from the very beginning, felt her voice falter at several points of the recitation – Snape is not a man to be renounced to easily, as most of this f-list very well knows. How many Snapey icons do you totalise, I wonder? Oh, but I digress. Where was I again? Yes, I know, I’m not a good storyteller, do feel free to back button if the lack of coherence bothers you. You’re going to miss some hot sexx0rs, but then that’s your choice. Yes, yes, I know, this doesn’t sound very convincing right after a pledge for abstinence, but I do know where this story is leading – believe me or not, I’m the one who’s telling it.
So, where was I? Ah, yes, the oath. The Unbreakable Oath.
The two representatives of the Death Eater wives furthermore pledged to spread the word and the Unbreakables in the other camp.
“I do have one request, though” said Narcissa. “You have a stronghold, Hogwarts; we do not. All our men will be equally affected by this forced abstinence, yet if they have someplace to barricade themselves in, you will find yourselves at great advantage compared to us. Can’t you close Hogwarts and prevent your husbands from hiding there? Then we would be equals again.”
“This has already been done!” Hermione answered, happy to be able to deliver a positive message for once. “McGonagall is in the secret; she has just barricaded Hogwarts against all male intruders, and we shall join her in a jiffy. Go back in peace to the other Death Eater wives, and instruct them of the plan. I bid you farewell, sisters – as of today, abstinence becomes the rallying word in the entire wizarding world, and this, until the end of the war!”
After such words, any further speech would be anti-climatic. Let us therefore part here, beloved readers. We shall meet again ere the set of sun, down by the hearth, there to meet with Hermioneth and her co-conspirators. The battle will not be lost, nor won, but further developments are indeed expected. We thank you for reading this, and hope to see you again!
The next part is now available here: Wherein Male Characters Make An Appearance
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Date: 2006-03-19 01:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-19 03:24 pm (UTC)I'm glad you're still liking it.
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Date: 2006-08-09 06:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-09 08:11 pm (UTC)