Dissolutionaria, 5/5
Mar. 22nd, 2006 04:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
foudebassanWarnings: language, silliness, innuendo, multiple endings, lengthy author notes.
Rating: PG-13
Part One, The Secret Gathering
Part Two, The Great Bargain
Part Three, Wherein Male Characters Make An Appearance
Part Four, The Phoenix's Song
Part 5 – Wherein the author grows tired of this story and therefore decides to put an end to it
Hermione woke up feeling out of sorts. She was used to waking up in the bed she shared with Severus, driven away from sleep only by the soft smell of coffee reaching her nostrils as the aforementioned Severus waved the cup in front of her nose. She would move around on the soft mattress, reach for Severus’ strong, muscled chest, then catch the attached arm and caress it until she came within grasp of the cup’s handle. After that, everything blurred under the combined influence of caffeine and Severus, Severus and caffeine… and the afterglow usually lasted all day long.
But that morning was different. She was woken up by overabundant, dry hair that was being thrust into her face. Now this was uncalled for. Hair should be short, dark and greasy, otherwise it became all too clear that it didn’t belong to Severus. The feeling of being out of place only increased when she noticed that she was not in bed, and must have fallen asleep on the castle’s stone floor the day before. And this was nothing compared to the notable absence of coffee. Hermione and coffee deprivation did not go along well. Hermione and sleeping on hard, cold stone floors did not go along well. Hermione was thoroughly disgruntled. She did not cast another look to Lavender’s sleeping form, nor to the disorganised strands of straight brown hair that were strew all around the latter’s head.
No, Hermione was going back to the Hogwarts gates. If the sex-deprived men were not even able to stop a war to get their women back, she would just have to end the war herself. Killing Voldemort should do the trick – but she was prepared to annihilate Harry in the same stride if that was what it took to get back to being woken up by Severus and a cup of coffee in the morning. She had her wand – check; had run her fingers through her hair to look presentable (the author can’t have the heroine looking like a mess by the end of the story, it just wouldn’t look tidy enough) – check; was on her way to Voldemort – check; was prepared to ignore the latest bit of canon and pretend she could exterminate the Dark Lord without even knowing what a Horcrux was – check.
She had arrived at the gates comforted in this mindset when she saw the gates opening by themselves, and her very own Severus emerging from them.
(Please admire the narrator’s splendid sense of timing)
“What are you doing here?” she exclaimed. “You aren’t supposed to join us until the war is finished!”
“The war is indeed finished, my dear” Severus replied.
Hermione looked around and saw that he was accompanied by a straggly-looking Harry, a more handsome than ever Lucius, and several other wizards from both sides I shall not delve into describing, as it is too late in the story to introduce any new characters, even characters supposedly already known to you in canon.
Hermione, being a bright girl, thus understood that her darling greasy git had taken unto himself to recruit Harry to the cause of peace, probably after his confrontation with Ginny, and to make him confront Voldemort at long last, pointing out that facing a Dark Lord could not be worse than reading Hamster Huey again. What became of young James while his father was away saving the wizarding world remains a mystery to this day. The legend says that Severus volunteered to baby-sit; the author shall merely point out that this is clearly OOC, impossible and ridiculous to boot. No, the most likely alternative is that either Snape or Harry used the little boy to choke Voldemort – which would explain why little James is quite absent from the story from this point on. Alas, copyright laws being what they are, this story is not for me to tell, and you shall therefore have to believe that James is safely tucked up in bed somewhere.
The outcome of the confrontation must have been favourable to the younger wizard, anyway, as he was there, alive and accompanied by Former Death Eaters. To be entirely truthful, Hermione had also surmised that the war was over and that couples should re-unite by the fact that this story has almost come to its end, and that fanficcers do love happy, sappy endings.
One thing bothered her, though. Harry looked like he had been dragged backwards through a recalcitrant hedge, which was not all that surprising for a wizard that had been denied sex, confronted to a Dark wizard, and forced to fight for the sake of wizardkind, perhaps even in a way Agamemnon would not have disclaimed for himself, all that in the space of the last twenty-four hours. Lucius looked fine, but his haughty features did reflect the expression of the panther that has not seen his mate in far too long and who therefore has a predatory glint in the bottom of its eye.
On the other hand, her own Severus looked fine, but… content. Not unlike what she must look like herself, after a night spend in Lavender’s arms. She however stepped towards him and seized him in a fond embrace, taking a deep breath – and they both backed away from each other at the same time.
“Why are you smelling of Wolfsbane?”
“What is that long brown straight hair doing on your shoulder?”
As you can see, re-union after some time apart does not automatically cause immediate shagging, not even in fanfiction. Fortunately, we are on Ashwinder (or will be someday), which means that a) they can have all the rows they want, they’ll still end up with each other and b) they’re both very smart, and will soon realise that Snupin and femslash are both institutions that are so good you cannot help but make small sacrifices for them – in short, the heroes may indulge in a bit of both for the sake of entertaining the readers without endangering their own relationship.
This was a lousy excuse if there ever was a lousy excuse. To make up for it, the author will give you personalised endings.
If you feel like a fangirl: They both kissed passionately, forgave each other for their momentary lapse in judgment, lived happily every after and had lots of children, including many twins, and they all got sorted into Ravenclaw to avoid further rows between their parents.
If you are![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
astarvingwriter, shiv5468 or any other HG/LM shipper, please substitute “Lucius” to every “Severus”, and vice-versa. You may add a paragraph in the end describing how Narcissa runs off with Snape if you so wish. They all live happily ever after, and if you know of a good story with a similar plot, please let me know, I’d like to read it too.
Oh, and if you areshiv5468: do notice I placed you at the beginning of the list, so as to spare your sensitivity regarding lengthy author responses to reviews.
If you aremhorrighan, snapesforte, or any other Death Eater friend of mine: It was all a cunning manoeuvre from Voldemort to take over Hogwarts. Lucius and Severus plant a giant Weasley Wizarding Whizz-bang in the entrance hall, and all the gathered Order members blast off in streaks of green light while the DEs apparate away, rubbing their hands in glee.
If you areapisa_b: Hermione and Severus marry, but Severus soon gets tired of being a kept husband and therefore launches a high profile sitcom.
If you aremme_de_bergerac: Both Hermione and Severus realise that Dutch is much more fun than English. They therefore go on a joint hunt for appropriate textbooks.
If you arelarilee: the right bastard kissed Hermione for her pleasure (it was no good deed), and it didn’t matter that it was the day Emmeline Vance died.
If you aregm_weasley: They exchanged a few jokes that may not be comprehended by those inferior humanoids that do not have the BBC, and decided to reconcile over a bowl of custard and some socks, which may, or may not, be involved in the post-reconciliatory shagging.
If you arearamintasnape: Severus forgets all about Hermione and goes off to buy a broom. Hermione meets Kingsley, they marry and live happily ever after, or at least until Kingsley runs into a very pregnant and nonetheless very attractive Sinistra. (Oops, did I get the characters all wrong? Ah, well, artistic liberty, ahem.)
If you areserpentclara, vanityfair00, or another recent friend, please don’t unfriend me right away, I promise that I do have sane moments. From time to time.
If you arealienor77310 or ladyofthemasque: All the characters are suddenly transformed into drawings by Marquise, and you get them all.
If you aremugglegirl0809: Hermione suddenly comes to the realisation that she’d be happiest in a threesome with Snape and Lupin. They live happily ever after, while Harry and Draco elope (and live happily ever after too).
If you aremrs_muggle: Ollivander actually gets to tell the end of the story in a long monologue, while he chooses the first wand of Severus and Hermione’s offspring.
If you have not been mentioned yet: Hermione suddenly disappears, along with the rest of the settings, and leaves you alone with Severus. You may have your own wicked way with him as you wish.
THE END
A/N: The characters are all borrowed from JK Rowling. No disrespect is meant, no money is made, no harm is intended. The plot is that of “Lysistrata” by Aristophanes – do go read the play if you are not acquainted with it already, it is certainly available in your own language for free somewhere on the Net. If you like slash and comic books, Ralf König made a truly hilarious parody of the play, with an, hmm, alternate ending you might enjoy.
Thank you for reading.
Chapter one, Hermione says the meeting point is “one hour before dawn”, and Ginny doesn’t understand why she didn’t just give a precise hour.
Ancient Greeks from Aristophanes’ era measured time by the sun and by clepsydras – sorts of giants pitchers, from which water trickles out at a steady pace, so if it is filled to the brim in the morning, and is due to be empty by the evening, you can tell what time it is by looking at it during the day. But the time unit was the “hour”, not 60 minutes, but 1/12th of the daylight time – it can easily be calculated with a solar clock. This 1/12th does correspond to 60 of our minutes on two occasions every year, when day and night have exactly the same length. Otherwise, hours are shorter in winter and longer in summer :)
The irony here is that there is no way to calculate how long a night hour is – unless you fine-tune your clepsydra according to the seasons, or calculate how long a candle needs to burn, or some other pretty inexact experimental method. So Hermione giving this as an appointment hour, while trying to emulate ancient Greeks, does not mean anything in reality; she’s too pedantic for her own good. And yes, this was supposed to be funny. Hahahaha! (I inserted laughter here so as not to force you to fake it. Ain’t I considerate.)
Chapter two.
Sorry for treading on Shakespeare’s grave. Couldn’t resist.
Chapter three:
Idem.
Chapter four:
The Phoenix’s Song is the name of a Ginny/Harry fanfic archive.
Hamster Huey is borrowed from Calvin & Hobbes, by Bill Peterson. Again, no harm intended.
Chapter five:
Agamemnon had to sacrifice his daughter Iphigenia in order to go to war (the Gods wouldn’t accept any other sacrifice to change the winds’ course, so the battleships were stuck in the meantime). It of course highly symbolic – going to war means killing your own offspring; and, as obeying your parents may is the only course of actions, you might as well do it cheerily. Iphigenia’s mother didn’t feel all too happy about it – upon her husband’s return, she had him murdered in his bathtub by her lover. The story is originally in the Iliad, by Homer, but has been told again and again ever since.
Voldemort choking on a baby is a concept shamelessly stolen fromshiv5468.
Rating: PG-13
Part One, The Secret Gathering
Part Two, The Great Bargain
Part Three, Wherein Male Characters Make An Appearance
Part Four, The Phoenix's Song
Hermione woke up feeling out of sorts. She was used to waking up in the bed she shared with Severus, driven away from sleep only by the soft smell of coffee reaching her nostrils as the aforementioned Severus waved the cup in front of her nose. She would move around on the soft mattress, reach for Severus’ strong, muscled chest, then catch the attached arm and caress it until she came within grasp of the cup’s handle. After that, everything blurred under the combined influence of caffeine and Severus, Severus and caffeine… and the afterglow usually lasted all day long.
But that morning was different. She was woken up by overabundant, dry hair that was being thrust into her face. Now this was uncalled for. Hair should be short, dark and greasy, otherwise it became all too clear that it didn’t belong to Severus. The feeling of being out of place only increased when she noticed that she was not in bed, and must have fallen asleep on the castle’s stone floor the day before. And this was nothing compared to the notable absence of coffee. Hermione and coffee deprivation did not go along well. Hermione and sleeping on hard, cold stone floors did not go along well. Hermione was thoroughly disgruntled. She did not cast another look to Lavender’s sleeping form, nor to the disorganised strands of straight brown hair that were strew all around the latter’s head.
No, Hermione was going back to the Hogwarts gates. If the sex-deprived men were not even able to stop a war to get their women back, she would just have to end the war herself. Killing Voldemort should do the trick – but she was prepared to annihilate Harry in the same stride if that was what it took to get back to being woken up by Severus and a cup of coffee in the morning. She had her wand – check; had run her fingers through her hair to look presentable (the author can’t have the heroine looking like a mess by the end of the story, it just wouldn’t look tidy enough) – check; was on her way to Voldemort – check; was prepared to ignore the latest bit of canon and pretend she could exterminate the Dark Lord without even knowing what a Horcrux was – check.
She had arrived at the gates comforted in this mindset when she saw the gates opening by themselves, and her very own Severus emerging from them.
(Please admire the narrator’s splendid sense of timing)
“What are you doing here?” she exclaimed. “You aren’t supposed to join us until the war is finished!”
“The war is indeed finished, my dear” Severus replied.
Hermione looked around and saw that he was accompanied by a straggly-looking Harry, a more handsome than ever Lucius, and several other wizards from both sides I shall not delve into describing, as it is too late in the story to introduce any new characters, even characters supposedly already known to you in canon.
Hermione, being a bright girl, thus understood that her darling greasy git had taken unto himself to recruit Harry to the cause of peace, probably after his confrontation with Ginny, and to make him confront Voldemort at long last, pointing out that facing a Dark Lord could not be worse than reading Hamster Huey again. What became of young James while his father was away saving the wizarding world remains a mystery to this day. The legend says that Severus volunteered to baby-sit; the author shall merely point out that this is clearly OOC, impossible and ridiculous to boot. No, the most likely alternative is that either Snape or Harry used the little boy to choke Voldemort – which would explain why little James is quite absent from the story from this point on. Alas, copyright laws being what they are, this story is not for me to tell, and you shall therefore have to believe that James is safely tucked up in bed somewhere.
The outcome of the confrontation must have been favourable to the younger wizard, anyway, as he was there, alive and accompanied by Former Death Eaters. To be entirely truthful, Hermione had also surmised that the war was over and that couples should re-unite by the fact that this story has almost come to its end, and that fanficcers do love happy, sappy endings.
One thing bothered her, though. Harry looked like he had been dragged backwards through a recalcitrant hedge, which was not all that surprising for a wizard that had been denied sex, confronted to a Dark wizard, and forced to fight for the sake of wizardkind, perhaps even in a way Agamemnon would not have disclaimed for himself, all that in the space of the last twenty-four hours. Lucius looked fine, but his haughty features did reflect the expression of the panther that has not seen his mate in far too long and who therefore has a predatory glint in the bottom of its eye.
On the other hand, her own Severus looked fine, but… content. Not unlike what she must look like herself, after a night spend in Lavender’s arms. She however stepped towards him and seized him in a fond embrace, taking a deep breath – and they both backed away from each other at the same time.
“Why are you smelling of Wolfsbane?”
“What is that long brown straight hair doing on your shoulder?”
As you can see, re-union after some time apart does not automatically cause immediate shagging, not even in fanfiction. Fortunately, we are on Ashwinder (or will be someday), which means that a) they can have all the rows they want, they’ll still end up with each other and b) they’re both very smart, and will soon realise that Snupin and femslash are both institutions that are so good you cannot help but make small sacrifices for them – in short, the heroes may indulge in a bit of both for the sake of entertaining the readers without endangering their own relationship.
This was a lousy excuse if there ever was a lousy excuse. To make up for it, the author will give you personalised endings.
If you feel like a fangirl: They both kissed passionately, forgave each other for their momentary lapse in judgment, lived happily every after and had lots of children, including many twins, and they all got sorted into Ravenclaw to avoid further rows between their parents.
If you are
astarvingwriter, shiv5468 or any other HG/LM shipper, please substitute “Lucius” to every “Severus”, and vice-versa. You may add a paragraph in the end describing how Narcissa runs off with Snape if you so wish. They all live happily ever after, and if you know of a good story with a similar plot, please let me know, I’d like to read it too. Oh, and if you are
shiv5468: do notice I placed you at the beginning of the list, so as to spare your sensitivity regarding lengthy author responses to reviews. If you are
mhorrighan, snapesforte, or any other Death Eater friend of mine: It was all a cunning manoeuvre from Voldemort to take over Hogwarts. Lucius and Severus plant a giant Weasley Wizarding Whizz-bang in the entrance hall, and all the gathered Order members blast off in streaks of green light while the DEs apparate away, rubbing their hands in glee. If you are
apisa_b: Hermione and Severus marry, but Severus soon gets tired of being a kept husband and therefore launches a high profile sitcom. If you are
mme_de_bergerac: Both Hermione and Severus realise that Dutch is much more fun than English. They therefore go on a joint hunt for appropriate textbooks. If you are
larilee: the right bastard kissed Hermione for her pleasure (it was no good deed), and it didn’t matter that it was the day Emmeline Vance died. If you are
gm_weasley: They exchanged a few jokes that may not be comprehended by those inferior humanoids that do not have the BBC, and decided to reconcile over a bowl of custard and some socks, which may, or may not, be involved in the post-reconciliatory shagging. If you are
aramintasnape: Severus forgets all about Hermione and goes off to buy a broom. Hermione meets Kingsley, they marry and live happily ever after, or at least until Kingsley runs into a very pregnant and nonetheless very attractive Sinistra. (Oops, did I get the characters all wrong? Ah, well, artistic liberty, ahem.)If you are
serpentclara, vanityfair00, or another recent friend, please don’t unfriend me right away, I promise that I do have sane moments. From time to time. If you are
alienor77310 or ladyofthemasque: All the characters are suddenly transformed into drawings by Marquise, and you get them all. If you are
mugglegirl0809: Hermione suddenly comes to the realisation that she’d be happiest in a threesome with Snape and Lupin. They live happily ever after, while Harry and Draco elope (and live happily ever after too). If you are
mrs_muggle: Ollivander actually gets to tell the end of the story in a long monologue, while he chooses the first wand of Severus and Hermione’s offspring. If you have not been mentioned yet: Hermione suddenly disappears, along with the rest of the settings, and leaves you alone with Severus. You may have your own wicked way with him as you wish.
THE END
A/N: The characters are all borrowed from JK Rowling. No disrespect is meant, no money is made, no harm is intended. The plot is that of “Lysistrata” by Aristophanes – do go read the play if you are not acquainted with it already, it is certainly available in your own language for free somewhere on the Net. If you like slash and comic books, Ralf König made a truly hilarious parody of the play, with an, hmm, alternate ending you might enjoy.
Thank you for reading.
Chapter one, Hermione says the meeting point is “one hour before dawn”, and Ginny doesn’t understand why she didn’t just give a precise hour.
Ancient Greeks from Aristophanes’ era measured time by the sun and by clepsydras – sorts of giants pitchers, from which water trickles out at a steady pace, so if it is filled to the brim in the morning, and is due to be empty by the evening, you can tell what time it is by looking at it during the day. But the time unit was the “hour”, not 60 minutes, but 1/12th of the daylight time – it can easily be calculated with a solar clock. This 1/12th does correspond to 60 of our minutes on two occasions every year, when day and night have exactly the same length. Otherwise, hours are shorter in winter and longer in summer :)
The irony here is that there is no way to calculate how long a night hour is – unless you fine-tune your clepsydra according to the seasons, or calculate how long a candle needs to burn, or some other pretty inexact experimental method. So Hermione giving this as an appointment hour, while trying to emulate ancient Greeks, does not mean anything in reality; she’s too pedantic for her own good. And yes, this was supposed to be funny. Hahahaha! (I inserted laughter here so as not to force you to fake it. Ain’t I considerate.)
Chapter two.
Sorry for treading on Shakespeare’s grave. Couldn’t resist.
Chapter three:
Idem.
Chapter four:
The Phoenix’s Song is the name of a Ginny/Harry fanfic archive.
Hamster Huey is borrowed from Calvin & Hobbes, by Bill Peterson. Again, no harm intended.
Chapter five:
Agamemnon had to sacrifice his daughter Iphigenia in order to go to war (the Gods wouldn’t accept any other sacrifice to change the winds’ course, so the battleships were stuck in the meantime). It of course highly symbolic – going to war means killing your own offspring; and, as obeying your parents may is the only course of actions, you might as well do it cheerily. Iphigenia’s mother didn’t feel all too happy about it – upon her husband’s return, she had him murdered in his bathtub by her lover. The story is originally in the Iliad, by Homer, but has been told again and again ever since.
Voldemort choking on a baby is a concept shamelessly stolen from
shiv5468. 
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-03-22 04:07 pm (UTC)And still in awe of the genius that produced this triumph.
Very droll.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-22 05:11 pm (UTC)Fandom is in need of more chocking-on-babies stories.
no subject
Date: 2006-03-22 06:26 pm (UTC)Thank you for the entertainment! **Imagine this being sung in tune to a ABBA song **
no subject
Date: 2006-03-23 10:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-22 11:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-23 10:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-23 02:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-27 08:00 am (UTC)I love the story. Very funny and entertaining. And since there are a lot of endings to chose from, I'll adhere to
no subject
Date: 2006-03-27 09:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-04 09:30 pm (UTC)And Aristophanes !
:D
I could friend you ?
no subject
Date: 2006-04-05 08:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-30 02:53 am (UTC)And I believe I will follow your advice from the personalized ending. Everything is better with Lucius, after all.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-30 08:01 am (UTC)Thanks for the review anyway!
no subject
Date: 2006-08-09 08:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-09 08:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-10 05:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-10 07:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-14 09:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-08-15 06:16 am (UTC)Thanks for reading and reviewing!